Within the first thirty seconds of meeting my ex-boyfriend I knew he was The One. It just didn’t occur to me the feeling might not be mutual.
It wasn’t because he was attractive and it wasn’t because of his personality either. Although I must add he had the cutest smile that made my stomach flip-flop. Within the first thirty seconds of meeting him I felt an instant connection. Something I had never felt with anyone before. It was as if Cupid was standing in the background and struck me with one of his arrows.
I was the one that said, “I love you,” first. I was the one that initiated the conversation one night after a date to define the relationship. I was the one that made the first move and kissed him on our first date.
It wasn’t until months after we broke-up I realized I pushed him into a relationship. Looking back now I’m not sure he was ready to be in a relationship with me or if he just went along with what I wanted because I made it clear it was my way or that was it.
I’m pushy. I’m always right even when I’m wrong. I like to have my way.
These are all things I’m trying to work on, which is one of the reasons why I haven’t gone on a date in a little over two years, give or take a couple of months. I’m aware I need an attitude adjustment.
When he broke-up with me out of the blue one night all I could think was: No! Absolutely not! You’re the love of my life. This isn’t how things are supposed to be.
He wasn’t supposed to break-up with me. We were end game. I called it on day one.
I felt completely shattered. I spent the next few weeks crying myself to sleep. I would toss and turn all night trying to pinpoint the exact moment he decided he no longer loved me. I was haunted by the memory of him standing on my front steps, replaying his words over and over again in my head.
He didn’t care about me anymore? Preposterous! He didn’t have feelings for me anymore? Impossible! He didn’t want to be with me anymore? No way!
Once I got over the initial shock I started to blame myself. What had I done wrong? Was it because I wasn’t that attractive? I could lose weight. Did I not tell him I love you enough? I could tell him every hour of the day if he just took me back. What was wrong with me? Was I unlovable?
My mind, body and soul knew without any doubt he was The One.
I just wasn’t The One for him and that realization killed me.
We tried getting back together but I couldn’t stomach it. I resented him for breaking up with me and then suddenly deciding he wanted me back. I didn’t know who he was anymore. Gone was the man I fell in love with and in his place was a complete stranger. It felt like he didn’t like any part of me so in turn I didn’t like any part of him. I didn’t want to kiss him but he didn’t want to kiss me. The idea of him touching me made me nervous because we were no longer in synch. He completely shattered my heart into a million little pieces and hadn’t tried to properly put it back together again. Suffice to say we didn’t last long.
After our trial run I decided to take a break from dating.
I can assure you I am not sitting here wallowing in self-pity. Sometimes I make self-deprecating comments but I retired the phrase ‘I’m dying alone’ in the beginning of the year. It isn’t easy sitting home on a Friday night alone when your friends are enjoying date night with their significant other.
Do I get lonely? Sure. Sometimes I roll over in bed and I feel a pang of longing in my chest because there isn’t anyone there. When I’ve had a bad day I have to comfort myself when really I would love the comfort of another person.
Without the input of another person the silence can be deafening. On those days I have to try a little harder to occupy my mind.
I miss the conversations. The date nights. The small moments shared between two. What I’m not ready for is the intimacy, which is the main reason I stopped dating.
I feel my soul, the part of me that made me feel completely connected to my ex, led me astray.
I’ve met men when I’ve gone out with my friends and they’re perfectly nice but none of them make me feel that jet of electricity. My soul hasn’t connected me to the right person and that scares me.
Doubts fill my head: Was he really The One? Or was my soul wrong?
I consider the first thought and there’s a sense of relief when I exhale because no matter how lonely I get I know I’m not missing out on anything. If I have already met my soulmate and experienced the greatest love of my life nothing else could compare. Why waste time on other men when I’ve already had the best out there?
But I consider the second thought and doubt washes over me.
If my soul was wrong–and I have to accept that it was–what does that mean for the next man I meet? Do I listen to this feeling inside of me that says we have a connection? Or do I brush it off because my senses and my soul are off?
My mind is muddled with confusion. Nothing makes sense.
The final reason I haven’t been on a date in two years is because I strongly believe I do not have anything to offer a man.
I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I don’t necessarily know what I want to do with my life or what makes me happy. What kind of relationship do I want down the road?
I’ve reached this stage in my life where everyone I went to school with is pregnant, engage or married. I thought I was on a similar path but now I’m on an entirely different one and I’m not sure where the road I’m on is going to lead me next.
Still, what it boils down to is the fact that my soul, even though we aren’t on the best terms, hasn’t connected me again to the right person so I don’t have any life altering decisions to make.
What I do know is my ex-boyfriend felt like home and I hadn’t felt the feeling of home in a long time. I don’t want something less than that in my future. I don’t want to waste my time on someone or something that isn’t going to complete me.
I’d rather be alone than with someone and unhappy.