Lately I’ve been feeling unmotivated and unhappy. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I started to feel this way. I just woke-up one day in a funk.
There was no urge in my body to get out of bed. I had to peel myself off the bed, limb by limb, because I felt no desire to start my day. Forget wanting to workout or eat right. I was going through the motions in my workout class, which I’m positive the instructor could tell because she kept coming around me and shouting about pushing yourself.
The mere idea of pushing myself only made me feel worse. Yet I’d rather go through the motions than not do anything at all.
I’d rather pretend to be present because what other option do I have? I can sit in the dark and stare at the ceiling in my bedroom or I can try to push myself to get back to normal.
The loneliness creeps in at night. That’s when I really feel it. I can’t sleep because it feels like there’s this thing that is missing. A presence. I don’t know if I’m necessarily missing a person or if it’s just a feeling but it won’t go away.
So it makes the mornings tough. I’m groggy. I’m irritable. Nothing ever changes.
Wake-up, workout, go to work and repeat.
When I do shake up my schedule and force myself to go out I have to remind myself to be present. Making dinner plans is great until the night actually comes and I’m squeezing myself into a tight pair of jeans and an uncomfortable top, trying to come up with an excuse to cancel last minute. I know canceling is rude so I force myself to go and engage in mind numbing conversation that takes my mind off of everything for an hour or two but I’m not necessarily enjoying myself.
I know what it sounds like. I’m complaining. I’m ungrateful. My life is good…but I can’t help the way I feel or think. I can’t help the fact that there is this dark hole inside of me that opens up and engulfs me from inside out.
It’s because of that hole I have decided to write a gratitude list to remind myself everything I should be grateful for when times are tough:
I don’t just have a job. I have the job in the career I dreamed about working in for the past few years.
When I went to college I worked endlessly to get where I am today. While everyone else I interned with started working in the TV industry right away I struggled to land even the shortest of gigs. I searched and applied for jobs every single day. It was discouraging to go on interview after interview and get rejected each time until one day I finally wasn’t.
Even after finishing my first job, finding another proved just as difficult the second time around. Yet no matter how many times I wanted to give up (and at one point I did) I continued to work hard, which is the only reason why I ended up where I am today.
I don’t just have a job. I have my dream job.
I earn enough money to treat myself to a vacation. A luxury I couldn’t afford while working in retail.
My job allows me to save money to travel. I’m headed to Barcelona in December, Nashville in September, DC in April and Philadelphia in March. Definitely more trips than I planned so my wallet is feeling it but I never regret spending money to travel.
I’m looking forward to drinking wine every night in Barcelona, visiting the Opry, admiring the cherry blossom trees in D.C. and taking a photo with Rocky.
I’m well aware I am cheesy.
I’m grateful for my health even though I might not be in the best health.
So I have PCOS.
But I can still function.
So I have PCOS.
And I can’t lose any weight.
So I have PCOS and gained ten pounds magically overnight.
So I have PCOS and couldn’t fit into any of my pants on Tuesday that I could fit into on Monday.
So I have PCOS and the symptoms suck and are new each day but I’m healthy and strong.
I can run a mile. I can do actual push-ups and on a good day one-arm burpees. Bear crawls? Done. Duck squats? How low would you like me to go? Plank for how many minutes at a time? Sure, I can try.
I’m grateful for my legs that are getting stronger by the day. For my arms that can lift heavy weights. For my entire body that supports me and allows me the freedom to move, jump and run around each and every day.
For my niece, nephews and the rest of my family who were all put on this earth to drive me absolutely insane.
I’m grateful for my niece who tells me she loves me whenever I see her (but then tells me she hates me when I reprimand her for doing something bad). The fact that she’s five years old and concerned about my happiness is astounding. The fact that she tells me to clean my room and get my life together is mind boggling but hilarious. I’m grateful for her spunky attitude and the fact that it’s rubbing off on her brothers. They’re my source of entertainment and hugs.
I have a lot of gratitude for the weekends.
When I started college I also started working and never stopped. If I wasn’t studying I was at a store cleaning up after people or selling clothes desperately trying to meet my sales goal.
Back then I never had the weekends or holidays to myself. Saturdays were spent trying to meet the store goal for the week. Sundays were spent preparing the store for the rest of the week. It was a vicious endless cycle.
Now I finally have the weekends to myself. I have time to learn how to play the guitar again and read.
I am thankful for books and the fact that there are so many so my imagination is always running wild. I am thankful for the journey each story sends me on and the emotions they make me feel.
I am grateful for time. For I have wasted too much of it working instead of living.
More importantly I am grateful for pain.
I know this feeling of loneliness and helplessness will pass…or I hope so anyway.
I am grateful for each time I was rejected, pushed down, made fun of, felt like crap and completely unhappy. The only way to get to the good is to go through the bad. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t fought through every bad thing that happened in my life.
I have hit rock bottom numerous times but have always clawed my way back up to the top.